Love Letters to my Deceased Wife - II

JZL CK
4 min readApr 6, 2022

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I can’t smell flowers any more… I stick my nose into the jasmine flowers near the street light and inhale in a handful of air; I smell dust and dirt- but I can’t smell the fragrance of the flower. Now that I look back, maybe I don’t even know what flowers really smell like, coz every time I think I smelled flowers, you were with me- maybe you owned the aroma and I mistook it for the flowers’. I go for long walks in the hope that somewhere, somehow I’ll come across that smell again- and if I do find it someday, I promise I’ll never leave that place. I’ll reside there for eternity.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

I see young lovers racing down the streets on their expensive two-wheelers. How I wish I could stop and tell them to ‘slow down, take as much time as you can with your ‘one’ behind you’. I can’t for the life of me figure out why they’d wanna rush through that time. I feel envious at first and then angry that they get to waste the time that they’ve got, and I am not given the same, even though I am sure I won’t waste a second even, if given a chance.

Why can’t I stop thinking about you? I know I wanna keep thinking about you. But this is more than I can handle. I just keep thinking about you - just you and nothing else. Why is it that I didn’t think about you this much when you were just an arm length away from me, and now I am buried in thoughts about you, but you are out of my reach?

I believe that the only true purpose of sorrow is to keep you reminded of the ones you have loved and lost. You do pay a hefty price for preserving the memory. But then, I would have paid a lot more for the memories that I have of you. Memories - aren’t they supposed to be categorized into positive and negative? Then why are my memories of you just plain memories - neither positive nor negative? I wouldn’t have ’em erased for anything of this world - not a single one of them - even the ones I took for granted or found painful at the moment.

The pain of loss, they say, subsides as you move on with your life - healed by time. But I don’t want it healed- I want to feel that pain as long as I live- I’m terrified that your memories might fade away in the absence of the pain. If the wound was visceral, I would have scarred it over and over, making sure that it never heals. But the wound I have is deep inside my soul- and in your absence; I don’t think my hands can reach inside. I’m still searching for ways to somehow preserve that wound, and I’m hopeful that I’ll soon find a knife sharp enough to penetrate my soul. When I do, that wound will know immortality.

Why the hell did I choose to love you in silence? If I had known before, I would have been vociferous in my expression of love. Had I been provided some kind of sign of how little a time is left for me to spend with you, I would have… Well, I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t have done for you.

I know this letter is bizarre and lack any sense, more so than the last one I wrote to you - maybe I am going crazy. Or maybe my feelings find it hard now to come up with the right words. I really wish I had told you all these things while I could still hold you in my hands, wrap you in my embrace. I didn’t, and now I am submerged in these mountains of thoughts to share with you - most of them impossible to translate into any other language than love. If you were here, I’m sure you would have told me to stick with numbers and that words aren’t my thing. I would have agreed as well- coz you are never wrong, and never will be.

I am not sure if you’ve got a binary to text converter back where you are- but if you do, I think you’d understand what this means;

01001001 00100000 01001100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000

01001001 00100000 01001100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000

01001001 00100000 01001100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000

01001001 00100000 01001100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000

01001001 00100000 01001100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000

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JZL CK

Psy-enthusiast, Content creator, Cinephile